An autumn that came too soon

The summer has flown away. Too early this time. The first yellow leaves lie on the ground. They whisper at my ear that the autumn knocked on my door yesterday when I wasn’t at home. An autumn that came too soon has already started to tear my thoughts and feelings apart. And my sociopathy and misanthropy are too close to the surface once again. Anna, be careful, a flood of these feelings is too dangerous for you. Remember the last year? Remember the previous years?

I’m unconsciously stepping on the same rake, again and again and again.

But where was the summer? And was it real? Wasn’t it a dream? Memories seem quite surreal. Time gaps and random pieces. A few school-leaving exams. A nightingale insolently singing during Russian. A website with results. An evening at my granny’s house with sedatives, alcohol and knitting. Running between universities with a ton of useless papers. My godfather and his illness. New exams. Studying literature in public transport. The feeling of unity with those who carry the same textbooks and go in the same direction as you with the same problems and worries as you. Interview at MSU. The play I wrote about it. Random trip to Petersburg. Ladoga. An old painter in metro. Bare feet on Nevsky. Calls and lists. Confirmation. Mademoiselle Irina. Middle of nowhere. Swallows, the wonderful creatures. Broken iPhone. Jupiter. Douglas the dog. …and here the autumn starts.

Nothing else, only snapshots and bright flashes. No words, they stopped to mean anything in spring.

And sun, eternal sun. Omnipresent sun. Almighty Sun. I bend my knees, your Majesty.

In certain moments I felt like I was running away from myself. But what worked pretty good before didn’t become the way out today. Even dawns and swallows – my heart clenches when I see their tails chaotically flying above – didn’t help. Neither helped Jupiter, he’s too naughty and egocentric sometimes.

No, this can’t go on like this, you’d say. Yes it can. Yes, it can.

It’s called autumn hell, in case you forgot, my dear girl.


~ by Anna on August 27, 2010.

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